In the wake of last week’s events, it would seem that we are now staring down the barrel of a players’ strike in the NFL, its first since 1987. While pundits debate the merits of both sides’ arguments and assess where to lay blame, the fans are left either shaking their heads in disbelief, or in more extreme cases like myself, unable to sleep, muttering through choked sobs, “What am I going to do in September without football?”
Yes, there is about as much excitement in attempting to make sense of the past weeks’ negotiations as there is in the term “collective bargaining agreement” itself.
The great game of football is a violent, strategic ballet—one that puts on display a dizzying array of talents each week in an overwhelming buffet on Sunday after wonderful Sunday. Watching Peyton Manning dissect a helpless defense or Troy Polamalu fly to the ball is akin to watching any master of their craft—it’s downright titillating.
So it should come as no surprise that a somewhat less titillating proposition is to imagine these same athletic specimens in a courtroom as part of an antitrust lawsuit against the NFL. If you thought Drew Brees could throw a pass, wait until you see him speak legalese— it will electrify!
Ugh, no thanks.
The time has come to accept the inevitable and, faced with the alternative, announce that I am fully prepared to embrace the possibility of scab players. Now, I may not be chomping at the bit to have Chad Ochocinco replaced with the less talented and more generically named Chad Davis, but if that’s the only way to have football return, then consider me on board.
Besides, since the last players’ strike, there have been a few key developments that may lead to this time around being a little more palatable as well.
In 2000 a little film was released called “The Replacements,” starring Keanu Reeves and Gene Hackman. Loosely based on the ’87 strike, Keanu portrayed scab quarterback Shane Falco and followed his attempt to guide the fictional Washington Sentinels to an unlikely play-off spot under Coach Hackman.
Okay, so the movie’s not exactly stellar, but it did underline the inherent drama in having some unknowns and has-beens get an unprecedented opportunity to play on the biggest stage for a short period of time. Each game takes on an added importance for these guys, and every QB has the potential to be another Keanu. No doubt they will all spend an inordinate amount of time trying to court the comely head cheerleader and practicing, after long completions, an astonished variation of “whoa.”
The advent of reality television could also lead to an improvement in the coverage of a replacement season. Rather than viewing scabs as lesser athletes, perhaps it would be best to regard them more as interesting characters that happen to be playing football. Think of it as “The Real World: NFL” or “Survivor: Redskins.”
As much as I would love to be Tom Brady for a day (or a lifetime), I would imagine that most football stars’ lives are remarkably similar in their lack of any pressing concerns. Conversely, the scabs could be selected based not only on abilities, but on how interesting their story happens to be.
“You say you played some tight end in college but now you work in a slaughterhouse?” Now there’s a piece I could see Terry Bradshaw unveiling before a Raiders game.
“Let me get this straight. You can kick a ball AND you survived a violent civil war in your country before immigrating here?” Suddenly field goals just got a little more engaging.
Now, if you excuse me, I have some work to do if I am going to have a shot to fulfill my inner Keanu and finally lead the Bills to a Super Bowl victory. Do you think I should be a brave firefighter or a blue-collar plumber? So many decisions…
Whoa.
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