Wednesday 30 March 2011

The Toronto Maple Leafs Fan

Article first published as The Toronto Maple Leafs Fan on Technorati.

With a loss in Detroit on Saturday, it would seem all but a foregone conclusion that the Toronto Maple Leafs will again miss the play-offs this year.

This should come as no bombshell to anybody that has followed the franchise in recent years as stumbling and failing have sort of become the team’s trademark.

They have not won a Stanley Cup or even made the finals since 1967, the longest such drought in the NHL, so you’d think devotees would be used to it by now. However, the Toronto Maple Leafs fan is a complex specimen.

Home to the Hockey Hall of Fame and NHL offices, Ontario’s capital is arguably the epicenter of Canada’s national pastime. Understandably, the citizens take the sport seriously and expect the same out of their club. Their lack of success, consequently, has elicited different reactions from supporters, categorized in three types of behavior.

The Deserter – I have this friend who grew up in Toronto and spent his whole life living there. And yet when I first met him almost ten years ago, he was a die-hard Edmonton Oilers fan. It didn’t take a great deal of arithmetic to figure out how that had happened. No doubt the grass must have looked a lot greener on the other side around 1979, when the Oilers and a kid named Wayne Gretzky joined the NHL. While the Leafs were in the business of losing, Edmonton won five Stanley Cups between 1984 and 1990. With five other Canadian teams in the league, it is understandable that some would be quick to leap from the Leafs’ sinking ship onto a more seaworthy vessel.

The Angry and The Irrational – For some, there is a certain pleasure that comes with complaining and it helps to have such a ubiquitous target at which to aim your arrows. After a while, bashing the Leafs becomes akin to voicing your displeasure regarding the weather or the government. You can be sure to find, in any crowd, another to trade barbs with about what a lousy excuse for a hockey team they are. Another branch of this group includes those that seem to always possess the answer for how to turn things around. This can include minor tweaks such as switching up the lines or a major overhaul, often including firing the head coach or general manager.

The Sad Sack – These are the true believers that live and die by the team’s performance. They are convinced every year that this will be the one; that success is waiting just around the corner. They often have the delusional notion that their own lives are intrinsically linked to the Leafs, and that one day, after all their suffering—perhaps even because of it—they will finally get their ultimate reward. The only thing that gets them up in the morning, that keeps them slogging through another week of drudgery is the mirage of their Leafs hoisting the Stanley Cup. The poor fools press on, waiting for a moment in the sun.

Friday 25 March 2011

The 2010 NFL Game Of The Year




Article first published as The 2010 NFL Game of the Year on Technorati.


As a Giants fan, I felt like I had seen this movie before.

Early in the fourth quarter of their week 15 contest against the rival Eagles, Kevin Boss catches a touchdown pass from Eli Manning, putting them ahead by three touchdowns. It appeared to be the finishing blow in an important win for the Giants, and would send the crowd at New Meadowlands Stadium home in a celebrating mood, dizzy with Super Bowl expectations.

What happened instead felt strangely pre-ordained. You could sense it after Brent Celek caught a pass from Mike Vick and cruised 65 yards for the score less than a minute later. There was a nagging familiarity to it all. And when Desean Jackson finally capped the comeback with a punt return touchdown as time expired, it set off a seismic shift in the NFC play-off picture that altered the outcome of the rest of the season for several teams.

For the Giants, it seemed perhaps they were attempting to best other colossal collapses in recent seasons. From blowing a 24-point lead late in a 2003 play-off game in San Francisco to squandering their promising start to the 2009 season, you had to hand it to them- the team had a way of crashing and burning in grand fashion.

If they had hung on to win this one, however, they would have been sitting atop the East, needing only one more win in their last two games to seal the division and a home play-off game. Alas, despite defeating the Redskins in the final week, they found themselves on the outside looking in, wondering how one bad quarter could have lead them to ruin.

The Eagles faltered the following week in a surprising loss to the Vikings. If they had done this AND lost to the Giants, as it certainly appeared they would, there would have been little chance of them squeezing into the post-season at all. On the other hand, if they were to rebound from a hypothetical loss against New York with two victories, they would have eliminated the biggest benefactor of the Giants’ debacle.

The Super Bowl champion Green Bay Packers should be sending thank-you notes to both the Eagles and Giants. If not for the improbable final minutes of their December 16 game, Aaron Rodgers and company would almost certainly have been denied a run at the Vince Lombardi trophy because they quite simply would not even have been playing beyond the regular season.

Yes, they did win a head-to-head match-up against the Giants in Week 16, but had the likeliest of scenarios played out, they still would have been stuck watching a Giants-Eagles re-match in the wild-card round instead of participating in it.

The NFL is funny that way. In a season so short, every game is capable of causing that kind of ripple effect- landing good fortune in one team’s lap, while simultaneously crippling another.

And from one of the crippled to the fortunate: you’re welcome, Green Bay.

Thursday 24 March 2011

3 Inevitable Sports Movies

Article first published as Three Inevitable Sports Movies on Technorati.

While last year brought us Mark Wahlberg in "The Fighter," there has been a recent dearth in the sports genre as of late. So why not look ahead and anticipate other sports stories that could hit theaters sometime in the foreseeable future.


Stock Boy – The Kurt Warner Story

A plucky undrafted quarterback, forced to stock shelves at a grocery store to make ends meet, has only his loyal wife and faith in God to keep his fantasy afloat. Against all odds, though, the aging dreamer is miraculously signed as a bench warmer by the St. Louis Rams. But, wouldn’t you know it, team’s star quarterback is injured before the season, and our hero is forced into action. Despite everyone expecting him to fail, Kurt leads his team with an MVP performance, capped off by an unlikely Super Bowl victory.

Sample Dialogue: Kurt to his pimply teenage co-worker: “I’m going to be in the NFL someday, Skippy. You’ll see.” The aimless adolescent guffaws. “Sure, loser. Now keep stacking those cans of soup."

Dream Cast: Ben Affleck as Warner, Hilary Swank as loving wife Brenda, and Greg Kinnear reprises his “Invincible” role as emotional Rams head coach Dick Vermeil.

Potential Sequel: Warner, after being released by the Rams and Giants, improbably finds glory once again with, of all teams, the Cardinals. However this time, he is narrowly defeated in Super Bowl.

On The Juice

As directed by Oliver Stone, this is the sprawling expose of steroids in the modern age of baseball. The film speculates that in the aftermath of the ’94 strike, MLB intentionally turned a blind eye to performance-enhancing drugs and paved the way for the ’98 home run chase in order to bring attention back to the sport. Rife with historical inaccuracies and imagined conversations, this incendiary look pulls back the curtain on all those involved.

Sample Dialogue: Jose Canseco, to Mark McGwire, after injecting him with steroids: “Relax, man, no one is going to find out about this. You can trust me to keep a secret.”

Dream Cast: Channing Tatum as McGwire, 50 Cent as Barry Bonds, and William H. Macy as Commissioner Bud Selig.

Potential Sequel: Bonds chases down Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record in 2007, while dodging incessant steroids allegations and attempting to convince everyone that they should care.

Eye Of The Tiger

Young golf prodigy Tiger, under the tutelage of his father Earl, quickly becomes an international superstar. After cementing a legendary reputation and starting a family of his own, Tiger uses his status and fame to land many attractive women. The indiscretions begin to spiral out of control, leading to scandal, seclusion and, eventually, a humbling return to golf.

Sample Dialogue: Random blonde bombshell after disrobing in front of an intrigued Tiger, “I hear you play a good game, but let’s see if you can birdie this hole.”

Dream Cast: Chris Brown as Tiger, Forrest Whitaker as Earl, and Amy Smart as Elin Nordegren.

Potential Sequel: Depending on how things go with Tiger, either a triumphant tale of recovery and sweet redemption; or, a humiliating cautionary tale of a helpless addict’s relapse into bimbos.
 



Wednesday 16 March 2011

Welcome To The Show

Article first published as Welcome to The Show on Technorati.

In the beginning, there was Strat-O-Matic.

Growing up, I would play the popular sports simulation board game for hours, rolling dice and vividly conjuring the exhilarating results on the lush playing fields of my mind. I had their releases of all the major sports, but the baseball facsimile always seemed to be the favorite, inspiring me to label many on my Little League team as “4-e48”-- or, for the uninitiated, horrendous fielders.

Video games further upped the ante, offering choppy graphics and absolute control of my squad. Realism, sadly, fell by the wayside, and it frustrated the purist to have an outfielder miss a lazy fly ball because, thanks to awful game design, I had no idea where it would land.

It seemed impossible to have a perfect marriage between these two worlds.

Then along came The Show.

My relationship with the series dates back to SCE San Diego’s second offering in 2007 on PS2. Each year the intention, or obsession, if you prefer, is to attempt to take my team- the Toronto Blue Jays- and play its entire 162 game schedule along with the real-life counterpart. It may not surprise to learn that life often has a way of interfering with this plan.

“Hey, we’re going camping for three days in June. You want to come along?”

The wheels begin to spin. Wait- what weekend is it? Oh no, the Jays have a series against the Orioles. I’ll have to finish those three games ahead of the camping trip if I don’t want to fall behind. In the end, I’m left desperately playing catch-up, telling myself, “It’s fine, I can do it. If I just play three games tomorrow and four on Sunday, I’ll be right back on schedule again.”

Two years ago, we were in the race, finishing just six games behind the Red Sox for the wild card. Last year, with Halladay gone to the Phillies, the prospect of a post-season did not look promising. But digital players I’ve coached will tell you I have never been the type to back down from a challenge.

Once again, we were chasing the Red Sox and the wild card all year. We won our last eight of the season and they dropped their last three, leaving both teams deadlocked and setting up a one-game playoff in Boston to determine who would advance.

My hands were shaking in the bottom of the ninth when our All-Star closer, Scott Downs, attempted to seal a 6-4 victory with a runner on second. Kevin Youkilis then struck a ball to left that looked like it might have enough—that is, until it fell harmlessly into Adam Lind’s glove on the warning track for the final out, vindicating our marathon pursuit.

With this year’s edition available as of March 8, you would think I would be scrambling to finish the playoffs and purchase the new installment. Instead, I’ve picked up NBA 2K11 and have my sights set on conquering an entirely new sport.

Brackets For Dummies

Article first published as March Madness Brackets for Dummies on Technorati.

It’s that time of year again when the familiar disease descends upon us. Rabid college hoops fans recognize the symptoms right away.

1- The burning desire to see young people play basketball
2- The need for said basketball to be played in a tournament structure

Everyone you encounter, The Stricken we will call them, seem programmed to ask the same question.

“How’s the bracket looking?"

As if it were either a part of your anatomy or a newly purchased extravagance. Or perhaps both. They all love to closely scrutinize your March Madness bracket too, condemning what they deem as egregious errors.

“Really?” they’ll ask, pointing to a first-round upset, “You sure about that one? Because if I were you, I might want to take another look.”

Once the games start, though, the same experts that were busy trashing your bracket have curiously shed that self-righteousness. It has been replaced by a refreshing air of humility, like someone who got a little too drunk the last time you saw them, and felt shame and regret about something stupid they’d done.

“My bracket’s shot,” they announce. “No one saw that upset coming.” And you nod your head in sad agreement, your fever starting to wear off as well.

“How could you have forsaken me, bracket?”

The fact is that there are 68 teams in the 2011 NCAA tournament, and if you know enough about all of these teams to produce a well-informed bracket, then I would wager you probably aren’t doing a whole lot else. The casual viewer, meanwhile, can fare just as well, though.

As with any other problem or puzzle, the first thing to do is gather the information. In this case, the hard work has already been done for you. Teams are seeded 1 to 16 on each branch.

Heavyweights (1’s and 2’s)- These are your workhorses and they are 1 and 2 for a reason. You must respect them as such. There will be upsets, but best to ride these ponies far, as chances are, there will likely be 2 of them in the finals.

Dark Horses (3-9)- These are the ones to worry about, as they will make or break your bracket. And breaking you bracket, though it is awfully fun to say, is not what you want to happen. Play the percentages here, and take most of them to get past a round or two, and maybe a couple, preferably a 3 or a 4, to the Elite Eight.

Long-Shots (10-16)- Now proceed with extreme caution here. Most of these teams should be gone after the first round if things play out as expected. But there are always a few that squeak through, and in most cases, they are entirely unpredictable. Select them based on personal connection, gut feeling, or just because you like their name, but if you take them as far as the Sweet Sixteen, you’re on your own.

Now I must go, for I hear the sweet sounds of the bracket’s siren song stirring and am powerless to resist.


Monday 14 March 2011

Send In The Scabs


In the wake of last week’s events, it would seem that we are now staring down the barrel of a players’ strike in the NFL, its first since 1987. While pundits debate the merits of both sides’ arguments and assess where to lay blame, the fans are left either shaking their heads in disbelief, or in more extreme cases like myself, unable to sleep, muttering through choked sobs, “What am I going to do in September without football?”

Yes, there is about as much excitement in attempting to make sense of the past weeks’ negotiations as there is in the term “collective bargaining agreement” itself.

The great game of football is a violent, strategic ballet—one that puts on display a dizzying array of talents each week in an overwhelming buffet on Sunday after wonderful Sunday. Watching Peyton Manning dissect a helpless defense or Troy Polamalu fly to the ball is akin to watching any master of their craft—it’s downright titillating.

So it should come as no surprise that a somewhat less titillating proposition is to imagine these same athletic specimens in a courtroom as part of an antitrust lawsuit against the NFL. If you thought Drew Brees could throw a pass, wait until you see him speak legalese— it will electrify!

Ugh, no thanks.

The time has come to accept the inevitable and, faced with the alternative, announce that I am fully prepared to embrace the possibility of scab players. Now, I may not be chomping at the bit to have Chad Ochocinco replaced with the less talented and more generically named Chad Davis, but if that’s the only way to have football return, then consider me on board.

Besides, since the last players’ strike, there have been a few key developments that may lead to this time around being a little more palatable as well.

In 2000 a little film was released called “The Replacements,” starring Keanu Reeves and Gene Hackman. Loosely based on the ’87 strike, Keanu portrayed scab quarterback Shane Falco and followed his attempt to guide the fictional Washington Sentinels to an unlikely play-off spot under Coach Hackman.

Okay, so the movie’s not exactly stellar, but it did underline the inherent drama in having some unknowns and has-beens get an unprecedented opportunity to play on the biggest stage for a short period of time. Each game takes on an added importance for these guys, and every QB has the potential to be another Keanu. No doubt they will all spend an inordinate amount of time trying to court the comely head cheerleader and practicing, after long completions, an astonished variation of “whoa.”

The advent of reality television could also lead to an improvement in the coverage of a replacement season. Rather than viewing scabs as lesser athletes, perhaps it would be best to regard them more as interesting characters that happen to be playing football. Think of it as “The Real World: NFL” or “Survivor: Redskins.”

As much as I would love to be Tom Brady for a day (or a lifetime), I would imagine that most football stars’ lives are remarkably similar in their lack of any pressing concerns. Conversely, the scabs could be selected based not only on abilities, but on how interesting their story happens to be.

“You say you played some tight end in college but now you work in a slaughterhouse?” Now there’s a piece I could see Terry Bradshaw unveiling before a Raiders game.

“Let me get this straight. You can kick a ball AND you survived a violent civil war in your country before immigrating here?” Suddenly field goals just got a little more engaging.

Now, if you excuse me, I have some work to do if I am going to have a shot to fulfill my inner Keanu and finally lead the Bills to a Super Bowl victory. Do you think I should be a brave firefighter or a blue-collar plumber? So many decisions…

Whoa.

Friday 11 March 2011

The Main Event


Wrong place, wrong time.

Max Pacioretty lay in a crumpled heap on the ice, the victim of a head first trip into the so-called “turnbuckle,” the Bermuda Triangle of hockey arenas, a dangerous stanchion standing where the benches end and the glass begins. Zdeno Chara, the Bruins’ All-star defenseman is charged on the play with a major interference penalty and a game misconduct for, shall we say, serving as tour guide on Pacioretty’s unfortunate jaunt.  

The league reviews the matter and determines that no further punishment for Chara is warranted, that he was making “a hockey play” and, as far as they are concerned, it just happened to occur at the wrong place and the wrong time. And the event sets off again the ongoing hockey debate that will continue to rage as long as the sport exists.

How far is too far?

On November 19, 2004, near the end of a Pacers-Pistons game, Indiana’s Ron Artest, enraged at having someone in the crowd toss a Diet Coke at him, ends up throwing a few frustrated punches at a Pistons fan. The ensuing brawl is branded by commissioner David Stern as “shocking, repulsive and inexcusable” and leaves nine players suspended for more than 140 games, including the remainder of the season for Artest.

During the 2000-2001 NHL season, Philadelphia Flyers fan Chris Trumbore is heckling legendary Toronto Maple Leafs “goon” Tie Domi after Domi, in the penalty box as usual, has just sprayed a water bottle at another Flyers fan. The glass gives way and Trumbore has the misfortune of falling into the tiger’s den with Domi, who naturally takes the opportunity to pin the heckler down and land a few punches. Not only does Domi receive no suspension for his actions, but he’s back playing later that period, and the fan, in fact, is the one ejected from the game.  

The handy website hockeyfights.com informs that there were 714 fights in the NHL last season, with at least one fight in 40% of games. Most of these ended in a couple of five-minute major penalties when referees finally decided the show was over and it was time to intervene.

Yet we are still “disgusted and appalled” when Marty Mcsorley strikes Donald Brashear in the temple with his stick in 2000, leading to a seizure and a Grade 3 concussion. Or we “don’t know what the sport is coming to” after Todd Bertuzzi sucker-punches Steve Moore from behind in 2004, knocking him cold and ending his career with a broken neck

And now, this is what has happened here again with Pacioretty. The young kid ends up with a fracture to the 4th cervical vertebra and a severe concussion while some of the same hockey fans that stand up and applaud a long, hard-fought tilt demand the book be thrown at Chara. Sponsors threaten to boycott, criminal charges are filed, and the hockey world ponders anew about how something so savage could happen.

What the NHL and its fans need to realize is that theirs is a league that does not function like others. A primal aggression is perpetually on display that kids grow up watching, and in turn emulating as soon as contact is implemented in their development. The tolerance, and even encouragement, of this aggression breeds a mindset that becomes ingrained in every player that laces up the skates.

So we could say “wrong place, wrong time” or attempt to decide who is truly to blame for Max Pacioretty’s injury. Obviously Zdeno Chara violated the rules and was slapped on the wrists for it, but how are we to determine what is true justice here? It’s the chicken and the egg- what came first: our desire for extreme violence or the sport’s acceptance of it? And just how did they get so married together along the way? It may be time that fans are forced to declare, “I like the game of hockey more than the bloodshed.” After all, there are so many better venues to see a good fight these days.

It is somewhat fitting, though, that besides the Pacioretty incident, the only other place where turnbuckles are frequently mentioned is in professional wrestling. At this rate, the NHL may want to start cutting promos prior to games, like the ones in which “Macho Man” Randy Savage used to call out The Hulkster before a match.

“I’m coming for you Max Pacioretty! And when I’m done with you, you’ll be lucky to ever walk again. See you at the turnbuckle!”

And the crowd goes wild.